Deer Jumping
by LordofDorkness
Summary: Invasive species yield economic gain in the land of the long white cloud.


This is not a disclaimer. This is an illusion of legal protection.

* * *

**Deer Jumping**

In the mid nineteenth century, England first brought a deer to New Zealand as a present. He didn't want to screw him up quite as badly as America, you see.

"Here NZ; it's like a sheep, except instead of farming it you chase it around the countryside and shoot it."

NZ patted the little deer and smiled up at England. "Sweet as, Brother! These big mammals you keep bringing are really choice! All I've ever had before were birds and lizards."

A flock of sheep trotted past. The deer, startled, bounded off. With a wave at England, NZ darted after with his little musket.

_Perfect!_ England thought, beaming. _He's such a good boy. If I just keep bringing him animals, I'm sure everything will work out well here, at least._ He headed home to get more deer.

* * *

Flash forward to the 1960's.

An adult NZ sighed as yet another deer began chewing on his sleeve. He could hardly keep up the energy to brush them off.

_I'm being eaten out of house and home by invasive species! Why did England do this to me? I can't even shoot them since I have nothing to do with that much venison._ The deer ripped off his sleeve, pooped on his boot and meandered away. Nearby, another deer stepped on an innocent kiwi bird. The sheep watched. NZ sighed again in resignation.

_It's time to visit my brother._

* * *

"There can't possibly be as many as you say. Haven't you been shooting them properly?" Evidently, England had more important things on his mind than ecological disaster.

"It's not just shooting them, Brother. What am I supposed to do with millions of deer carcasses?" NZ trailed down a hallway behind England. The sheep followed both of them.

"Wait a moment." Germany stuck his head out of a doorway. "Did you just say something about millions of deer carcasses?"

NZ stopped, letting England hurry away. A sheep sniffed Germany's boot. "Yeah. Why?" His face fell. "They're an invasive species. Really! We can't feel bad for them just because they're cute."

Germany raised an eyebrow. "I assure you I do not. So... you have millions of... living deer?"

"Yes, but why?"

"I just-" He readjusted his tie. "I am having a hard time imagining that much wurst at one time." He blushed and continued in a hushed tone. "Would you be willing to sell them to me?"

NZ beamed. A sheep nibbled on his pants. "As many as you want. You can fly the helicopter!"

* * *

"NZ, while we haven't known each other long, I promise you your life is worth more than even a million wurst. Won't you reconsider your scheme?" Germany peered over from the helicopter controls at his companion, who was readjusting a large pair of goggles as they soared cinematically close over rocky green countryside. A sheep behind the seats bleated.

"We can't just piss around shooting them. It's not sustainable! We're going to run out of deer eventually."

"Isn't that what you wanted in the-"

"That means no more sausage."

Even the sheep was shocked. Germany clapped NZ on the shoulder, manly tears in his eyes. "You do a brave thing today, my friend."

Just then, a herd of feral deer emerged out of the bush up ahead. Germany turned his attention back to the helicopter controls and took them down.

NZ climbed down onto the skids. The wind buffeted him as he eyed up the herd and quickly signaled toward a healthy-looking buck with not too many pointy-looking antlers. A few meters from the ground, he leaped. The sheep prepared to mourn.

"Sweeeeeeeet aaaaaaaaassssss- ooph!"

As he landed on its back, NZ and the buck began a fight that would go down in history as one of the greatest bouts of semi-professional wrestling ever seen by man or sheep. Germany was again moved to manly tears.

The confused and embarrassed buck was safely suspended from the bottom of the helicopter for the flight back to the new ranch. By the time NZ returned to the cockpit, Germany had composed himself.

"I admit, I was wrong to have doubted you. True bravery! And considerably better execution than Russia jumping out of that plane."

"Sweet as, right?" The sheep nodded sagely and chewed on the seats. "As we were wrestling, though, it occurred to me that a net would be pretty useful."

Germany began nodding with the sheep, although he abstained from the seat cushions. "I suppose you could toss one down before you jumped."

NZ elbowed the sheep, who harrumphed and turned to stare moodily out the window.

"Yeah. Or maybe I could shoot it out with this net gun I just invented."

The sheep sighed. The deer hanging under the helicopter resigned himself and his brethren to a lifetime of sexual slavery on a stud farm and was not completely crushed by the prospect.

"I suppose so."

* * *

***Author's Note***

I learned three things during my three week forestry course in New Zealand:

1) Kiwis say "sweet as" WAY too much.

2) Togs vs. Undies

3) There were once insane people roaming around NZ in helicopters jumping on deer. True fact.


End file.
